Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Not a wordsmith

A month ago I entered a competition through Bicycle Victoria - during the promotion for Ride to Work Day. I had to describe my commute to work in 40 words or less. I thought it would be a fitting day to share it with you after what happened this morning, the only problem is that on my first go I used 145 words. This seems to be a general problem of mine. I find it difficult to say something in a reduced amount of words (Oh wait - I have trouble condensing) But I wanted to show you both versions just so you can see how important the details are...

This is what I entered...
Beginning in Seddon, I travel along Footscray Road, and marvel at the spectacular view of the Bolte Bridge from Docklands. Over Webb Bridge and along Yarra’s Edge, I turn onto tree lined Lorimer Street and am glad I rode today.

What I really wanted to say was...
My commute is a feast for all my senses. I begin the ride through wafts of jasmine along the charming streets of Seddon. Travelling down the Footscray Road bikepath the Melbourne Markets offer up the scent of fresh fish and produce. Docklands are a wonder in themselves – the sight of the Southern Star, the aroma of fresh bread and pastries fills the air from Aldi and the Harbour Esplanade provides great window shopping and of course – the stunning view of the Bolte Bridge beyond Victoria Harbour. Shooting out of the spiral Webb Bridge always makes me feel like a pinball then I enjoy the peace of Yarra’s Edge before crossing onto Lorimer street for the last leg of my journey and my nose is filled with the smell of Vegemite from nearby Kraft. I’d miss out on all of this if I drove to work! 

Goes without saying that I didn't win the iPhone!

2 comments:

Tara said...

I know what you men about "less is not always more." Our best poets of the English language were not experts in Haiku. I think your description was much better when your words were not restricted. It makes me want to be there also. Sorry about the iPhone!

Anonymous said...

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